I am floating. This is so very pleasant, though I know I need to feel sharper to get through my day – float is what it is. The float brings with it anxiety. Anxiety of the – I shouldn’t be doing this – kind.
Times like these are when my body takes over. I’m working. Working in my studio – spending long hours getting back to my art practice after a long break. This is where I pick up the threads.
I’m also viewing the world (through my fingers) as it shifts towards uncertainty. Trump has Putin standing on his neck says Paul Auster on Channel 4 News. Nothing brings home our global predicament more powerfully than this image. I let it drip feed into my brain to avoid too much panic.
But these are not the only lanes in the superhighway of mental activity and agitation.
I’m also processing autism. My autism.
I learn so much everyday. Mainly a growing awareness of the radical nature of autistic difference from the neuro-normative. It’s so profound, so vast. This way of being is immensely free.
I see many, many occasions, so many circumstances in which neuro-normative culture insists on conformity, and fails to conceive of the vastness outside of it’s parameters.
This makes it hard to see our way through the preconceptions.
This makes it easy to feel constantly in the wrong. (Anxiety provoking in itself)
So the trick as I see it is to float and banish that anxiety. The float isn’t what’s wrong. So embrace the float. Survey the vastness in this region of perception and sense it’s utter correctness for our brains. These are our spaces. Akin to flow.
Inhabit this zone and you begin to feel energised.
You can’t fill this space or harness it – it is simply immense.
I learn it’s a mistake to call this disconnection.
Float is the highest connection I have ever known.
The other side 
Is ‘floating’ like meditation?
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I don’t think so – but maybe uses similar regions of the brain. It’s an unfocussed state I am beginning to identify with my autism. I feel like I’m mentally floating.
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I meditate and float, and I’d say floating is more like dissociation. They’re similar, but meditation is more of a mind float whereas this sort of floating feels physical, like your body isn’t there anymore and you’re actually not attached to the ground.
Difficult to describe but I love it and feel guilty about it too. Thanks for sharing, I think I’ll feel a little less guilty about it now.
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Thank you Ingrid – that is really interesting. And yes – no need for guilt or anxiety. Embrace the float – I think our bodies are telling us what we need in these moments. x
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Oooh. Yes.
“neuro-normative culture insists on conformity, and fails to conceive of the vastness outside of it’s parameters.
This makes it hard to see our way through the preconceptions.
This makes it easy to feel constantly in the wrong. (Anxiety provoking in itself)”
This seems to be a core issue for me. Permission (internal and external) to be in the states of being that come naturally for me. In those rare moments (usually when I am alone) that I have this permission I feel the flow state you are talking about. Maybe that’s one reason many autistics prefer (if they have a choice) to be alone often…
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I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to discover I’m not the only one who has to make an actual effort to not go there. I play all sorts of games with my head and think wonderful thoughts. I play in my own head. But to anyone looking at me, it looks like nothing. Looks like I’m just daydreaming, and I am but I’m also often doing so much more.
I have trouble managing it, regulating it to sensible levels. What the hell is a sensible level, and should I feel like I’m wasting my time ? If I was in top of things it might be ok, but when there are so many other things that I need to do and that often get left.
But then some of the best ideas I use in my work come from that space. I often spot connections between ideas that I’d never spot otherwise. The neurons sizzling can feel like I’ve got an electrical storm going on in my head. It wonderful and weird and intoxicating and apparently not great for the people around me. I can be wired and talking a million miles an hour or almost catatonic, barely moving for long periods.
Very tricky subject that I’ve never really spoken of (’cause it sounds flipping nuts) and I’m loving hearing others thoughts on it. Thanks all.
(Not proofreading as I probably wouldn’t post it if I did, so apologies for rambling and typos)
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I’m so glad not to feel alone with this. I honestly think it’s a huge thing for me that I have felt immensely anxious and guilty about. No more! 😉
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